even though I hallucinated twice yesterday.  But I got a lot of sleep and woke up feeling happy.  I think it’s because I’m excited to meet with a more experienced psychiatrist on monday.  I’m really hoping that he has some ideas for me.  I really miss going out with my friends and am tired of feeling so alone all the time.  

Lately my new thing to conquer is to be able to go to the mall.  I don’t know why but I always get super anxious and hallucinate in the mall.  It’s not even a loud mall.  I really don’t know what my problem is.  It’s amazing to me that I used to work there.  That life seems so far away these days.  

Today I was hanging out at my dad’s restaurant, and I so badly wanted to ask him if I could start waitressing but I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I used to really love waitressing.  I liked meeting new people and flirting and making tips.  It was such a confidence boost.  

I’m determined to get my hallucinations under control, I don’t want to live the rest of my life daydreaming about how awesome my life used to be.  I want to go to back to school.  I want to meet new people.  I want to be independent.  I hate living at home with my parents.  I hate not having a job and being dependent on them for money.  Today I had to borrow my mother’s credit card so I could purchase some bras.

I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD UNDERWEAR.  How pathetic is that?  I’m 24 years old and I can’t afford the most basic things.

Oh, how I’ve come to dread the weekends.  

Living so close to the city (New York, HOLLA!) most of my friends either live in the city, or are moving to the city and spend every waking hour and most sleeping hours in the city.  So I’m left to my own devices re: crippling loneliness, obsessively checking twitter. 

Now, a sane person might ask “Why don’t you just go into the city? New York is awesome.”  And I would agree New York is the best, however this is where my disorder comes into play.  When I’m around lots of strangers I get anxious and I hallucinate.  And let me tell you, hallucinating is some real ass shit.  

I tend to hear voices and they usually go something like this, “Oh there’s that girl in the jeans and black shirt.  Do you see how she’s walking? She sees us.  She knows we’ve been after her. (insert cackle here)”

Because of the absurdity, (I’m on meds now/been in therapy for almost two years so I know that no one is spying on me, or after me.  Yay! Progress.) I can tell that it is a hallucination.  But the fact that I know I’m hallucinating doesn’t make me stop.  It could last for hours. Normally though, I get so freaked out by my own craziness that immediately leave whatever situation I’m in, which my therapist keeps telling me isn’t doing me any help.

But the panic attacks that come along with a hallucination, are really hard to endure.  Like, I swear I’m going to die every time.  Or maybe vomit and shit my pants simultaneously and then faint in my own bile.  Honestly, I’d rather die.

So I hardly ever go into the city anymore because there are people EVERYWHERE, especially when it’s nice out.  So my weekend consisted of getting lost in the archives of blogs I like; pretending I have friends, watching that lifetime movie about Amanda Knox and listening to this song a thousand times.

So theres that.

1. Say Anything (14)
2. Something Corporate (7)
3. Bright Eyes (6)
4. Conor Oberst (2)
5. Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band (2)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

I’m going to bare my soul and be a real blogger.  If I only had the courage to post all my drafts.  Dear Internet god, let me be honest.  I spend so much of my life pretending I just want one forum where I can be myself.  Where I can take my secrets and hopes and dreams and failures out of my heavy head and let them be real for anyone to see.

1. Pixies (9)
2. Arcade Fire (4)
3. Modest Mouse (4)
4. The Flaming Lips (3)
5. Joy Division (2)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

1. Cat Power (21)
2. Broken Social Scene (20)
3. Elliott Smith (17)
4. She & Him (16)
5. Iron & Wine (13)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

1. Black Eyed Peas (5)
2. Pixies (4)
3. Lady Gaga (4)
4. Yeah Yeah Yeahs (4)
5. Arcade Fire (4)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

1. Arcade Fire (6)
2. Yeah Yeah Yeahs (6)
3. Pixies (4)
4. Broken Social Scene (4)
5. Modest Mouse (3)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

1. Daniel Johnston (19)
2. Ugly Casanova (17)
3. Neutral Milk Hotel (11)
4. Iron & Wine (9)
5. Bon Iver (7)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

1. The Beatles (13)
2. Snow Patrol (5)
3. Talking Heads (4)
4. Thrice (4)
5. This Providence (3)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz